From 1975 until 1982, Hostess ran a series of comic books advertisements featuring some of the most famous superheroes from the DC and Marvel universes. They also featured some of the most ridiculous villains ever committed to paper — so inept that their nefarious plans were typically thwarted by them being distracted by Hostess snacks. It’s no wonder that most of these lame bad guys and gals were never heard from again.
20) Mr. Foxx (1979)
Dubious Super Power(s): Epicureanism; morbid obesity
Fiendish Plot: To kidnap gourmet chefs and make them cook for him
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; type 2 diabetes
Note: The implied moment of despair in the near future when Mr. Foxx runs out of snack cakes and is forced to sell his he-flower in prison to secure more chocolaty goodness.
19) Peachy Keen (1978)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to use the word “peach” in every sentence
Fiendish Plot: To steal jewels and leave a peach behind
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; pits
Note: With no mention of law enforcement involvement in any capacity it seems as though Daredevil just occasionally binds criminals together and forces them to gorge themselves on snack cakes for his own personal amusement. Which might seem weird, but hey, this is Daredevil we’re talking about.
18) The Home Wrecker (1978)
Dubious Super Power(s): A crane operating license
Fiendish Plot: To flatten buildings with a wrecking ball — you know, like a job
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; can commit crimes only in areas with 2,000 square feet of clearance space
Note: The giant disparity in size of the Big Black Ball from panel to panel… also that it’s not black at all.
17) Johnny Punk (1981)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to turn a volume knob
Fiendish Plot: Play loud music until people do what he wants
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; earplugs
Note: Shutting off your music and shouting about how bad it is to no one in particular, it’s clear that Daredevil is the blind leather clad version of your mom.
16) The Mad Deserter (1980)
Nemesis: Captain America
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to make people stop caring — granted, if they’re teenagers, they probably don’t care anyway
Fiendish Plot: To make people abandon their homes and leave town
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; bad puns about “dessert”
Note: God that pun is terrible.
15) Iceberg Head (1977)
Dubious Super Power(s): Being a talking iceberg
Fiendish Plot: To freeze Atlantis…very slowly
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; Aqualad
Note: “Aquaman breaks the icicles on his fist… but nothing else…” implying what exactly? That we the readers suspect him of normally breaking off icicles with other appendages? Is Aquaman on some kind of probation for some unspoken act?
14) Photoman (1978)
Dubious Super Power(s): Immobilizing people with some sort of freeze ray in his camera
Fiendish Plot: Stealing valuables from people he freezes with his camera
Weaknesses: Twinkies; paparazzi stalking laws
Note: When you look at Spider-Man’s outfit it’s pretty clear that there’s not much room for most anything underneath that skin-tight spandex. Except a strategically placed Twinkie Spidey keeps stashed next to his (presumably) naked ass, apparently. Which this creepy hillbilly creature has just pried from him after temporarily paralyzing him.
13) Jet Set Jessie (1980)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to spin really fast and wear headbands non-ironically
Fiendish Plot: To steal jewels in some unspecified manner
Weaknesses: Twinkies; bellbottom pantsuits
Note: The rampant disregard for motorcycle safety.
12) Professor Sneer (1979)
Nemesis: Captain Marvel
Dubious Super Power(s): Super grumpiness
Fiendish Plot: To extinguish the Sun, killing everyone…including himself
Weaknesses: Twinkies; any semblance of foresight
Note: “I’ve set my sun killer on automatic” is exactly what I say every time I take off my pants.
11) Monotony Man (1977)
Nemesis: Iron Man
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to turn everything into a dull gray
Fiendish Plot: To take the life out of the most happenin’ holiday of them all…April Fool’s Day?
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; colored people
Note: Tony Stark used to ease the dullness of life by drinking himself into a stupor. Now he turns snack cakes to quell his demons. I’m not sure which is worse, honestly. But I’ll mark this down as progress.
10) Pigeon Person (1977)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to fly, control birds and spread lice
Fiendish Plot: To steal the Statue of Liberty…with birds?
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; the laws of gravity
Note: I’m not sure which is more annoying, the passive-aggressive affirmation of women’s lib from a winged woman or the nasty shits she leaves on the windshield of your car right after you’ve washed it.
9) Cousin Betsy, the Plant Lady (1977)
Nemesis: The Hulk
Dubious Super Power(s): Growing sentient, kleptomaniacal plants
Fiendish Plot: To recruit The Hulk to join her gang of jewel-thieving plants
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; weed whackers
Note: Who needs vegetables when you can devour fruit pies all day, kids? Also, I love how the artichoke is espousing the virtues of snack treats while he is having his spine ripped in two by a giant green monster.
8) K-9 (1981)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to wear a dog suit and blow a whistle
Fiendish Plot: To dognap pooches for ransom
Weaknesses: Twinkies; the scent of dog anus
Note: K-9′s next role.
7) The Bureauc-rat (1980)
Nemesis: The Flash
Dubious Super Power(s): Wielding a “red tape ray gun”
Fiendish Plot: To slow everything down by literally wrapping it in red tape
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; an understanding of what a “ray gun” is
Note: The creepy similarity between the Beauroc-Rat and R. Budd Dwyer is unintentionial I’m sure. I hope I’m sure.
6) The Roller Disco Devils (1980)
Nemesis: The Hulk
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to roller skate while balancing radios on their shoulders
Fiendish Plot: To “terrify the town” with their groovy music and far-out skating maneuvers — can you dig it?
Weaknesses: Hostess fruit pies; jive turkeys
Note: We’re all clear that Hulk just crushed those people to death and then sat on their corpses eating pie, right? Right?!
5) Blow Dryer (1981)
Nemesis: The Human Torch
Dubious Super Power(s): Wielding a really big hair dryer and an even bigger hairdo
Fiendish Plot: To rob people using what amounts to a leaf blower
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; can only commit crimes in close proximity to an electrical outlet
Note: No matter how strong her convictions on animal cruelty, any woman is easily distracted by offering her chocolate cake. Just like in real life.
4) Printout Man (1977)
Dubious Super Power(s): Super geek-dom; being made of paper?
Fiendish Plot: Jamming bank computers to create a diversion while he robs the vault
Weaknesses: Hostess cupcakes; recycling bins
Note: Paperless billing has hit Printout Man the hardest.
3) Spindly Klutz (1977)
Nemesis: Green Lantern
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to make half a person disappear
Fiendish Plot: Making people half-disappear as revenge for being a “spindly klutz” as a child
Weaknesses: Twinkies; logic
Note: The paraplegics in the crowd noticed nothing.
2) The Chairman (1977)
Dubious Super Power(s): The ability to turn people into chairs
Fiendish Plot: To hijack an antique chair shipment, randomly “chairing” people along the way
Weaknesses: Twinkies; the Bean Bag Man
Note: Say he murdered somebody, would they give him ‘The Chair’? (oh ho ho)
1) The Borrower (1980)
Nemesis: Wonder Woman
Dubious Super Power(s): Freeloading; legible handwriting
Fiendish Plot: To “borrow” items, leaving IOU notes at the scene of the crime
Weaknesses: Twinkies; credit rating agencies
Note: Ew, usually when someone “borrows” food from you, you don’t want it back.
(Source: Tom Heroes)